Sympathy vs. Solutions
Have you ever noticed when talking to a friend that is upset, you give them some helpful advice that has worked for you when you were in that situation, and it wasn’t well-received? All you were trying to do was help, and they got upset with you.
Or, on the flip side, have you ever been going through hard time that you are having trouble navigating, and you are confiding in a loved one and wishing they could give you some helpful tips, but instead they just nod their head and tell you they are sorry to hear that? And you are left feeling like you didn’t get what you want.
Perhaps you were just sharing information with someone about something you had been going through, just so they could be in-the-know, but you were met with them having such an overly big emotional reaction on your behalf that it made you uncomfortable?
Maybe it is hard for you to open up to others, and you finally felt you could trust someone to tell them something that is very vulnerable for you, and they responded by telling you everything they thought you were doing wrong in that situation.
It’s possible you’ve had a really bad day, and you confide in someone close to you about how hard of a time you are having, and you are met with them telling you it could be worse and listing all of the things going wrong with them, or in the world in general. Your problem is trivial compared to what they have to say. You are left feeling worse.
There are a lot of other scenarios, but I think you get the drift. In these situations, one person had a different expectation than the reaction they received. And it left either one or both of them dissatisfied, or at the very least confused.
I used to run into these interactions frequently, and something I am working on is better communicating my needs and my boundaries as the receiver/talker. As the giver/listener, I am working on asking the other person what they are looking to get out of the conversation. At the end of the day, everyone is different. We know this, right? We know we all have different personalities. So why are we insisting on using antiquated cookie-cutter solutions that don’t work for most? Why are we telling people that we know are completely different from us what we would do in their situation, without asking them if that is what they are looking for?
We are doing it because we are well-meaning, and we want to help people in the best way we know how. And while the intentions are commendable, the outcomes can often leave something to be desired, and worse they can leave someone feeling like they aren’t able to talk to the other person anymore. It was probably not anyone’s intention to make the other person feel worse, or at least frustrated, but it can happen more often than you think. I think the responsibility can be on both parties to improve communication between them.
It is actually pretty simple, too. When you are confiding in someone, or to a group, simply give a disclaimer at the beginning or end that directly communicates what you are are needing. “My problem is ABC, and all I want right now is to vent and get some sympathy. I am not looking for any solutions.” Or, “I have ABC going on, and I don’t want any sympathy but could really use some advice.” It is important for the person with the conflict to be mindful going into their discussion of what they are looking to get out of it. If you often find yourself receiving responses that further upset you, then state from the get-go what you are looking for from the person/people you are talking to. Also, I always find it important to ask the person/people you are talking to, if they have the emotional and mental space to listen to you at that time, and respect whatever their answer is. They may not have the capability at the time for being there for you, so it is best not to just dump without asking.
When someone is confiding in you, if they haven’t told you what they are looking to get out of it, don’t assume it is what you would be looking to get out of it, or that you know best. Unless you are a trained professional in that area, you could potentially do more harm than good if you try to get someone who is very different than you to handle something the way you handle it. We are all SO different, and have different strengths and ways of learning. Trying to force someone into your way of doing things, can actually go against the way they work best, and could be detrimental to them. (I encourage you to look into the idea of Human Design. Everyone is given a distinct number type that really shows how individual people learn differently, and how helpful it is to let people work in a way that is best for them.) So, I have been trying to start asking the person who is talking to me, “What would you like from me in this situation? Advice? Solutions? Sympathy? Just to listen?” etc. Then, I try to provide whatever they are asking for. If my loved one needs something, I want to honor and respect what they are asking for. That’s what makes them feel comfortable talking to me. If I force them to do things my way in their time of need, chances are they will stop coming to me.
What if my strong suit is not what the person needs? What if I am excellent at validating, but they want to be challenged? What if I am amazing at advice, and they just want to be listened to? If you are comfortable giving them what they want, that is the best thing to do. If you aren’t comfortable with it, if you are terrible at giving advice and that is what they want, just be honest and let them know, “I don’t think I can give you what you are needing. If and when you need the thing I am good at, I am here for you, but for this, what you are asking for isn’t my strong suit.” I am not telling you to not be yourself in these situations. Your gifts are important in this world, and they will be valuable and come in handy when your loved one is asking for the thing you are good at. However, if what you are good at is not what they are needing in that moment, and you are really uncomfortable providing what they are asking for, it is probably more helpful to step back, and let someone else do it. I think you will save a lot of frustration and misunderstanding on both sides.
What if someone is talking to you, and they have asked you just to listen to them vent, but what they are going through is something that you have some really good experience in and advice for? Then I think you can let them know that, and ask them if they want to hear it. If they don’t, that’s ok. Just respect those wishes. If they do want it, then offer your experience, but I think it is best to try not to do it in a way that claims they absolutely need to take this advice. Again, how you handle things is different, and works for you. It could very easily not work for someone of a very different personality and life circumstances.
Listen, I am not perfect here. This is something I have been trying to do in more recent years, and still fumble with. I tend to want to give advice, and not want to receive advice. So I find myself trying to break my own rules, and am always trying to keep myself in check. I am not here to point fingers and judgements, but rather share something I have been working on that seems to make things more harmonious when I do it.
My Human Design personality type is one where I can only learn lessons from trying them out myself. I have to make a lot of mistakes and have a lot of trial and error to learn. Therefore, unsolicited advice is just not helpful for my style of learning. Additionally, I get incredibly easily overwhelmed with too many cooks in the kitchen. I have gone to 5 trusted confidants for advice on the same subject before, and gotten 5 completely different answers. I was left more confused and worked up than before I started. Then, I started realizing that there were certain people that helped me with certain issues more than others. My therapist was good with A, B, & C. My mom was good with D & E. My dad was good with X, Y, & Z. Friend # 1 was good with L,M,N,O, P. Friend #2 was good with H, Q, and R. Etc!!!!!! Also, as I have gotten older, I have realized that there is a lot to be said for listening to my own intuition. Sometimes, I don’t need any other cooks in the kitchen.
My personal method is I like to vent and get shit off my chest straight out the gate. Because my initial reactions are always 100% emotional. I need to get those emotions out of the way, so I can start thinking rationally once they are mostly cleared. So, if you have given me permission to talk to you, and I say I want to just vent, I am not in any way shape or form in a place where I can even hear, process, or synthesize any rational solutions. I am too clouded with emotions that I need to get out of the way and off my chest. Later, when I calm down, I am ready to fix the problem.
Typically, the preferred order of events for me is - I need to vent to someone. I just need them to listen and give any words of support and encouragement that they are able. Then, I calm down, and I start doing my own research on the solution. I will read the necessary resources, I will reach out to the necessary people, and I will talk to whatever person in my life I know is equipped with the info I need in this situation. Then, I will take action from there.
When I am in an emotional state of mind, and someone tries to give me solutions, I short-circuit. I am working on getting better at not responding negatively when this happens, because I know they mean well. But, in my head, I take the unsolicited advice as they think they know what’s best for me better than I do. That makes me feel like they think I am stupid. And that makes me angrier than I already am! LOL! I know, I know. I gotta work on that. That’s a “me” problem. I am just being honest here. Also, 9 times out of 10, the thing they are suggesting I have already tried or thought of, and I don’t have the energy to get into that. I only have the energy to be frustrated in that moment. If you find yourself in situations with people where you are just trying to help, and they get really mad, and you have no idea why - that could be it.
Also, if you don’t want to hear someone vent. If it annoys you and you don’t have the space for it, then don’t. Tell the person you aren’t able to be their confidant right now. Skip over it on social media if they wrote it. We should all be able to do that with each other. We should all feel comfortable telling someone that you aren’t able to manage their stuff in that moment.
What I am working on is trying to be the kind of person who asks you what you are wanting and needing, and who can respect and honor that. I am trying to be the kind of person who properly acknowledges and communicates my boundaries. So, if I am in a place where I can’t be there for you, I am working on letting you know that. If someone gripes to me constantly and never does anything further about it, I am working on respectfully asking you to find someone else to talk to, as I have reached my capacity with it. I am trying to be the kind of person who doesn’t get upset and lash out at someone if they give me unsolicited advice, or tries to push me to talk about something I don’t want to talk about. I am working on calmly and firmly communicating and holding my boundaries. I don’t always succeed. But I am trying.
I encourage others to try to be mindful and learn how you work best and what you need to thrive. Then communicate it in a kind and straightforward manner to the other people involved. And hold tight to those boundaries you have established for yourself. I also welcome others to be mindful of what the people in your life are asking for and what they are needing. It is most likely quite different from you. Please respect, accept, and honor that. It will make your life, their life, and your relationship with each other so much easier. If they communicate a boundary with you, please be open to that and work on respecting it.
If you find yourself reading this and arguing that people should be open to receiving whatever kind of help you are willing to give, I haven’t found that to be helpful to anyone. Yourself included. It usually just drives a wedge between the two parties. What’s the point of being there for someone if you aren’t showing up the way they need? You are better off just to tell them you aren’t able to help them right now. It does less damage I think. If the other person is habitually coming to you with the same issues over and over again, and is unwilling to do anything but complain to you about the same things all of the time, that is a different story. If they aren’t actively growing and working on the issue, and just continually dump on you, that isn’t healthy for anyone either. In that case, it is important to communicate your boundaries, and just simply tell them that you love them, but you no longer have the bandwidth to listen to this problem, and wish them the best in finding the help they need to clear it up. It isn’t your responsibility.
As always, this is just my opinion. It is based on my personal experiences, books I have read, and about 10 years in therapy. I can’t very well tell you that not all advice is good for each person, but insist that my advice is good for everyone. Take all of this with a grain of salt, and if it intrigues you, start trying to experiment with it and see if it helps or not. Take what you want and leave what you don’t. If it helps, great. If it isn’t for you, do your thang. But, if you are my friend, this is the approach I will be enacting, so you better deal with it!! Hahaha!! ;). xoxo