My Thoughts on a Facebook Post I See Shared Often
I want to offer another perspective on friendships
I see the below social media post get shared a lot, and other ones very similar to it. I wanted to offer a different perspective and some thoughts it causes me to have every time I see it. I don’t know the person that posted it. But it has been widely shared for quite some time now.
The Post -
This whole "we must have never been friends because she didn't check on me" narrative is dead to me.
Very rarely does anyone ever check on me.
And I don’t think anything of it.
Especially when there are women out here struggling to just stay above water every second of every day, battling the enemy on every corner.
My friendship doesn't have requirements.
It doesn't have guidelines.
If I have ever been your friend...
I still am.
Whether we can physically see each other or not. I don’t play the game of, “she never comes to see me, so she must not think I’m important.”, that is ridiculous.
If I have ever loved you...
I still do.
XOXO - Meghan
My Thoughts -
May I offer another perspective? I respectfully disagree with this post every time I see it being shared.
I get the point behind this person’s post, but I find the tone to be defensive and as passive aggressive and snarky as the people she seems to be irritated with. And my sweet baby empath heart feels like her post is coming from a place of pain where she feels rejected by a friend because they weren’t on the same page.
1- Saying people “very rarely check on her” and that she “doesn’t think anything of it” sounds like she’s saying because checking in isn’t a requirement for her, that it shouldn’t be something other people want. We are all different. Some of my friends like being checked on. A friend who is going through a difficult diagnosis right now is getting through it much better because we are checking on them. If a friend wants to be checked on, I want to check on them. I want to do things that make them happy. For me it’s about straightforward communication. Tell me if you want me to do something for you, and if I can then I will. I won’t passively aggressively stop being someone’s friend because they didn’t do something I expected in the friendship but never communicated to them. I’ll communicate my needs to them. And I hope they will do the same for me.
2- My friendship actually does have “requirements and guidelines”, and I think it should. For me, those are just other words for boundaries. I require respect. I require kindness. I require open communication. I want reciprocation. I want guidelines that help me choose who I give access to my precious heart, time, and energy. I will still love and forgive everyone (something I am working very hard on right now), but I’m not giving my friendship to everyone. Some people aren’t compatible with me, and some are even toxic for me. And I assume vice versa. Again, I understand what she’s trying to say. But it’s coming across in the same tone of passive aggressiveness that she’s seemingly angry at someone else for doing to her.
3- On the other side of her story could very well be someone who has invested a lot of time and energy into her, and it has never been returned to them. The other person could very well be insecure and doesn’t feel strong enough to communicate these needs and feelings to the person who posted this (or the person posting this has not made the other person feel safe to communicate this type of stuff in the past—perhaps they reacted defensively). So, the other person could have quietly decided to start investing their time in more compatible friendships. And this poster could be angry that their ex-friend has done that and isn’t really looking objectively at themself and the situation. There’s a lot of scenarios that could have played out here.
I think the underlying tone here is “hurt.” The poster seems hurt that their expectations for friendship were not shared and lack of straightforward communication caused a breakdown. And I have been on the other side of this post. I’ve had friends that I’ve given so much to and they have just taken and taken and taken from me. And I did communicate it (which most people have a really hard time with so I know I’m in the minority here), and eventually I realized that they were never going to ask about me. Never going to give to me. Never going to check on me. They were only going to take and deplete me. No matter how much I tried to communicate and work on it.
Eventually, I had to move away from friendships that weren’t compatible with me. These friendships caused me to run on empty. My cup wasn’t being refilled. And sometimes they would get defensive, like this person’s post comes across to me, because they were hurting and maybe deep down knew that they had dropped the ball. However, rather than taking accountability for that, they shared posts like this to make them feel justified. No one owes anyone their friendship.
And I get how people on the poster’s side of the coin can feel burned when a friendship seemingly ends out of nowhere for something that was never communicated to them. I feel for her. Her hurt feels apparent to me in this post. I have been in her shoes, too. A Krista of 4 to 30 years ago would have angrily posted something like this, too. Snarky 2017 Krista was deeply hurting and wounded and would have either shared Meghan’s post, or would have responded to her post by saying “Tell me you’re a selfish friend without telling me you’re a selfish friend.” Those reactions were coming from a place of hurt, being defensive, and not being willing to take accountability.
But, 2024 Krista is trying to grow and learn. I still get it wrong. A lot. I see her post and I am trying to feel compassion for her, even though the snarkiness irks me. I am also trying to be open that there was another person’s side to her post, and we didn’t get the whole story here. And I guess maybe the next thing I need to learn to do is not let a post push me to the point of needing to write a whole damn article about it. The tone of the post just makes me really uncomfortable, because I am sooooo feeling all of the hurt there. The hurt they experienced, and the hurt I have experienced in situations like this. The hurt that she is trying to cover up with snark and trying to appear like she doesn’t care. If she didn’t care, she wouldn’t have posted it.
I also feel the hurt and pain of the person on the other side of this post. The person (or people) she is talking about. I’ve been that person. And it’s not always how this girl is painting the picture. Two sides to every story and all that jazz…
I just think people should communicate with each other better and more straightforwardly. And I think different people want different things from their friendships and it’s ok if they are so different that they aren’t compatible. And I appreciate when requirements and guidelines are communicated to me in my friendships. When a friend tells me they don’t want solutions they just want someone to listen, then I’m grateful for that information and I try to comply. And when I tell a friend I need them to check on me after a hardship, it means so much to me that they oblige.
What is so wrong with checking on friends? What is so wrong with wanting friends to check on you? I am certainly not saying it should be done every day or week or even every month. I understand my friends have hardships and busy lives and can’t always be concerned about me. However, if it is a one-way friendship, and one-way communication, and then we don’t talk for like 3 years—well that just doesn’t work for me. And that is ok. If that is fine with you, then that is ok too. We just may not be compatible as friends. And that is also ok. I will continue to love you. But I won’t continue to invest time and energy into a friendship that isn’t reciprocal. I am committed to communicating that sort of thing with you. But if we can’t get on the same page, then I am going to move on. I wish you well. I send you love. And I give my energy to friendships that are energizing for me.
I guess I am just asking people to consider a few things before they share posts like these.
1 - Are you sharing this because you feel hurt and/or defensive about a situation where you dropped the ball? Or where someone ghosted you and never communicated with you about it? Why do you have a reaction when you see this that causes you to want to share it? Go deep into mindfulness with that reaction, beyond your initial response. See if you can find anything else there that makes you uncomfortable.
2 - Can you consider the other person’s side to this story? Can you have compassion for both sides?
3 - Could you commit to better communication with friends? Lovingly telling friends when you have been hurt. Communicating what your preferences in friendships are. Committing to doing your best to show up for friends in ways that they have asked for. Holding space for a friend when they come to you with these types of issues. Not getting defensive. Giving people a chance. Not ghosting because it is easier to avoid the situation.
4 - Can you consider this idea of just being “chill” about everything everyone does (or doesn’t do) isn’t the default, and not everyone can get on board with that? Thinking there should never be any consequences for being a lazy friend is emotionally immature. It is ok for people to get their feelings hurt. It is ok if you unknowingly hurt someone’s feelings. It is ok if someone wants more maintenance in their friendship. It is ok if you aren’t capable of that kind of maintenance and y’all decide it ain’t gonna work out. But I don’t think the golden rule of friendship should be that everyone needs to be constantly chill, no one can ever feel hurt, everyone commits to passive friendships where you almost never talk or show up for the other person, and y’all just have a pass to not have any requirements or boundaries.
This is all coming from a place of been there and done that (and sometimes still do that because I am not perfect and still working on growth). It is just my musings and trying to keep myself in check. Some people see that post and feel an immediate validation and share it. I see that post and feel an immediate defensiveness and anger at the person sharing it. I am working on managing those uncomfortable emotions that come up for me, and the part I have played in these scenarios. I hope that other people can do the same, for whichever side of this post you tend to come down on.
Ok. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. No this is not a passive aggressive note to any of you. Stepping off my soapbox now. Love you! Have a good day.