My Mom Isn't Housebroken

The first time my mom peed on my floor, it was unexpected and disconcerting. By the 12th time, it was like any other day, and just really more perturbing than anything.

Let me back up. According to my mom, when you have children, it is harder to control your bladder. Since I am not a mother of human children (just cats, which did not come out of my vagina, unfortunately. This may also be a good place to mention that my cats don’t pee on my floor. Just my mother), anyways since I am not a mother of human children, I am not allowed to question the validity of this. I don’t know if you are childless, and have ever tried to question anything someone who has children has told you about having them, but you will find out very quickly you are not allowed to. If you haven’t tried before, just trust me, you shouldn’t. If you have, then you know EXACTLY what I am talking about. 

So where were we? Oh yes, I am not allowed to question my mothers extremely loose vaginal walls. (Upon reading this to my mother, she kindly informed me that pee doesn’t come out of the vagina. To which I responded, “well your babies didn’t come out of your urethra so which is it mom? You can’t have it both ways.) I am not allowed to recommend kegels. And I have tried recommending Depends but apparently I am not allowed to do that either. All I am allowed to do, is watch helplessly every time my mother sprays urine all over my hard wood floors.

If you combine my mom’s lack of bladder control, with her good sense of humor, with her propensity for lots of laughs, with my ability to make her laugh, with her proclivity for never wearing pants then VOILA - you have a recipe for my mom peeing on my floor.

The first time she sullied my hardwood, we were watching TV. She was sans pants and was wearing very large white Hanes granny panties that were probably as old as I am. The elastic in them was completely shot. So much so, that if you looked through it on one side of her leg, you could see clear through to the other side. As such, I needed to make fun of her for this. I didn’t want to. I needed to. She needed to know. So, this may be a good time to mention that I was also not wearing pants. (Ok ok, I sense your judgment. But, whatever, you don’t know me. YOU DON’T KNOW ME.) So I got up, put my hands in the back of my underwear, and pushed it out so that I too would have a gaping view through leg hole to leg hole. Then I pranced around the room pretending to be her with these tunnel panties.

This made her laugh. This made her laugh really hard. This wasn’t the first time mom has peed her pants. But in the past, she has always had pants on, and only a little has come out before she made it to the bathroom. Not even enough to soak through her pants. So it has always been fine. So as soon as I heard this laugh (because my mom has a very specific “I am getting ready to pee my pants laugh”), I immediately stopped what I was doing, and told her to “go to the bathroom”. But she couldn’t move, she was laughing too hard. Every time she tried to move, it made her pee.

She got up from the couch, and ran about 2 feet. Stopped and keeled over laughing and screaming in terror. Then, she ran about 3 more feet. Stopped and kept screaming and laughing. At this point, I was frozen in shock and alarm. What was happening? Why couldn’t she just get to the bathroom? Was she going to make it? It was unprecedented. It was horrifying. She squeezed her legs together. Tears coming down her face, she looked up at me with the most helpless look that has ever existed, and she just started urinating. Right there, in the middle of my floor. Yellow streams started flowing down either leg from the gaping non existent elastic leg holes of her shitty old underwear. She looked so helpless and frightened. She was simultaneously laughing hysterically, crying, and yelling. I finally came out of my frozen state and screamed “GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!”. 

She started running, as fast as she could, the few more feet left to go to the bathroom. Laughing like a maniac the entire way. With piss streaming down her legs leaving a trail behind her.  Ironically, by the time she got to the toilet, there was no pee left. The entire contents of her bladder were strewn about my floor instead.

It was one of the worst days of my life.

This was about three years ago (from the time that I am writing this in Jan 2018). Since that time, my mom has visited me about 10 times, and has piddled on my floor all of those times except for 2. However, there have been some trips where it has happened more than once. Hence, the 12 times thus far.

You may be asking, “Krista, why do you let your mom visit you so much?” To that I would say, “You try to tell my mom she can’t come visit me. Good fucking luck with that.” Or you may be asking, “Krista, why do you make your mom laugh? Just stop doing that.” And I would answer that with, “I am hilarious and there is nothing I can do about it. NOTHING.” You might even be wanting to ask me, “Krista, can’t you make your mom wear pants?” or “Why does she have so much weewee in her?” or maybe even, “Can’t you convince her to wear Depends?” To all of that I say “1 - No I can’t. 2 - I don’t fucking know. and 3 - I wish, but she is a stupid bitch and she won’t do it.”

“Whoa, whoa. Krista. You can’t call your mom a stupid bitch. You just can’t do that.” Yes, yes I can. She loves it. I call her that all of the time and she laughs her head off every time I do. Not “pee in her pants” laugh. But definitely an “I’m insane and I love it when my daughter makes fun of me and calls me names because I am a humor masochist” laugh. Also, I would like to kindly ask you to, “NOT EVER TELL ME WHAT TO DO OR HOW TO INTERACT WITH MY MOM AGAIN! Ok? Thanks. Love you.”

Right now, most of you are probably thinking, “Ok, you know what? I thought I had it bad with my mom. I really did. But I don’t anymore. Because at least she doesn’t pee-pee on my floor like Krista’s mom.” And maybe your mom is great, and I am glad this can help you appreciate her more. But let me tell you this. My mom is the best, and not despite the fact that she pees on my floor, but because of it. I know I hate it when she does it. But honestly, it’s pretty awesome, and here’s why. 1 - She always cleans my floor after she does it. Which means my floor is now cleaner than before she pissed on it. Soooooo FREE LABOR amiright?? high five. high five. 2 - Ok, that’s really the only thing that is good about my mom taking a leak on my floor but I am trying to be nice to the stupid bitch alright.

But seriously, ok, it kind of makes you feel good when you can make someone laugh so hard that they wet themselves. And I am glad that my mom can pee. Cause like, it would be bad if she couldn’t. And I make all of my friends laugh by telling them that my mom has tinkled on my floor so many times. And I guess I just like making my friends and family laugh no matter the cost. And believe me, this cost is pretty steep. Cause like, a grown human woman is consistently whizzing on my floor.

So maybe your mom sends you nice care packages in the mail. Or maybe she bakes you your favorite cookies every time you come home. Or maybe she even sneaks you a little money behind your father’s back when things are tight. But, dude, my mom goes around my apartment without pants on laughing at my jokes so hard that she pees herself. And that’s pretty cool I guess. Whatever, she is the only mom I’ve got. And some ppl have shitty moms, or don’t have moms at all. So I will take my Depends Poster Child of a mother and buy some stock in paper towels and call it a day. 

***Originally written circa 2018