My life with Long-haul - Part 10

A turn for the worse

Link to previous post in series - Part 9

After returning home from Italy in June 2022, it was time to get a job. At this point in healing from my initial bout of Covid in 2020, and subsequent Long Covid, I was feeling like I was recovered enough to work a part-time and remote job. Therefore, I set out to find something that fit the bill.

For a couple of weeks I struggled to find anything that met these two stipulations. If it was remote, it was full-time. If it was part-time, it was in-person. I knew I wasn’t up to working full-time yet, and that it wouldn’t work to have to call-in sick so much. And, I definitely wanted to avoid getting Covid again, so I was really hoping for something remote. Also, working remotely would save me a lot of energy (sleep in later, don’t have to shower, don’t have to get ready, don’t have to drive, don’t have to socialize, etc etc).

Even though there wasn’t much available that fit this scope, I was messaging people I knew on LinkedIn like crazy, and I was filling out any and all applications I could. After a few more weeks, I was beginning to worry that it would not be possible for me to find a job like this, and I did need to start earning money again soon, as I was out of the little money I had set aside. Plus, that trip to Italy was the final straw. Much of it had been paid for prior to losing my income, but the money spent while on the trip (food, taxis, shopping, etc) was needing to be paid off.

Then, a beacon of light came shining in! I had someone contact me who wanted to hire me and it seemed like a really good gig. They were understanding of my illness and ready to work with my parameters, it was remote, and it was a great company. I was told I had the job if I wanted it, and we just needed to figure out the details—scope of the position, salary, how many hours a week I was able to work, etc. Phew! Crisis averted.

However, this didn’t pan out. Over the course of the next couple of weeks, there was a some back and forth and a few rescheduled and missed phone calls and taking a little more time than it initially seemed it was going to. But, I made the mistake of assuming I was all set, and therefore stopping the job search. I should have continued the job search, but I didn’t do that because I thought I had the job. But, after a few weeks of thinking I had the job, I received an email that it wasn’t going to work out at this time after all. I was told it would take an unknown amount of time to see if there was a possibility it would work out in the future, but there was no guarantee.

At this point, I couldn’t keep waiting. Because I had stopped my job search a few weeks ago, and I had already been searching for a few weeks before that, I needed to find something…anything…and fast. So, I put out some hail Mary’s to see what I could get.

The only two possibilities were a low paying, part-time, in-person job as a study hall monitor at my old junior high. Or, a part-time, remote, contract position that was part sales and part admin and was paying a bit more.

After an interview for the remote position, I waited a week or so to hear back. Around the time I heard back that I was being offered that job, I received a call for an interview for the study hall monitor position. The study hall position was in-person and paid less. So those were the cons. But, it was set hours that were super workable for me (Mon-Fri 11am-2pm), and I kind of liked the idea of being a disciplinarian at a school. LOL.

The remote position was more money and not in-person, but it was very random hours that really made it hard to do other things (Mon-Fri it was 9-11am, and then 12-1pm, and then 4-5pm. And every Tues and Thurs 5-7pm). Plus, the business owner spent my entire interview talking about why the person currently in this position was so bad at it, and why she needed someone new. And that person she was shit-talking was her best friend. Soooo, that seemed pretty toxic.

But, I decided that I needed more money, and I needed remote work. And so I went with that. It would be completely from home…except for one day. I would go in to the studio just one day for in-person training on the system, with just two people, for just a few hours. And, in that few hours, with only those two people, I got Covid again.

One of the two people was—I later found out—an anti-Vaxxer, Fauci-hater, Covid-denier. And, she gave me Covid. I should have worn a mask. That’s on me. I guess in August of 2022, in a space with just two people, I thought I would be ok. She didn’t realize she was sick until the next day. So, she didn’t know she was sick yet or seem sick yet.

However, a few days after that, I was positive for Covid. I was so worried that I had somehow given them Covid, and as soon as I realized I had it, I immediately messaged them and profusely apologized. The owner said she didn’t have anything and really didn’t say anything else on the subject. Her best friend messaged back that she had it and was probably the one who gave it to me. She had not messaged me when she found out she was sick. I had gone on for a few days not knowing, and putting other people at risk. When she knew she had it, knew I had Long Covid, and yet didn’t bother to say anything until I was taking the blame.

Now, I try not to blame people so to speak. But, I was blaming myself. And, if I am being honest, I definitely blamed her. My life has not been the same since. I have not been able to work since. And had she messaged us when she found out she had it, I could have gone and gotten on Paxlovid. I wouldn’t have headed up to Chicago to visit friends and go to a concert the next day. By the time I figured out I had it (because my first test was negative), it was too late for Paxlovid to do any good. I’d put ppl at the concert at risk. Put my friends whom I was staying with at risk. And, wasn’t at home to go see my doctor and get on Paxlovid. Plus, my dad had stage 4 lung cancer at that point and I was living with him. So, yeah, I do blame this girl for being so reckless with Covid, and not even bothering to tell me she had it until a few days later only after I told her I had it. When she knew my full situation with my Long Covid.

But, I do think all of this happened the way it was supposed to. The jobs didn’t work out. I got Covid again. There was a divine purpose to being put on this path. I want to emphasize that I don’t say that in terms of other people’s journey with this illness. Everyone has their own path, and they have every right to be as angry and resentful about it as they want. Or to not find the deeper meaning or spiritual purpose. I definitely go through a ton of anger and resentment, myself. And I don’t always look at the bigger picture. I don’t think everyone needs to find the silver lining and the divine reasons. That is an ableist viewpoint. However, for me, and only me, this helps me process my grief. And, I do truly believe that I was meant for something else besides these jobs.

Maybe I’m meant to publish my book? Maybe I’m meant to never ever go back to corporate work ever again? Maybe I am supposed to be a healer? An activist? A creator? A permanently disabled person living with my mom in Southern IL? A flailing human who never can quite grasp a career? I’m not entirely sure anymore. I guess I never was sure. I thought I was. But I was wrong.

All I know for sure, is that I must surrender. I must accept. I must let go. I am letting go of the resentment I had for this girl. I hold no ill will for the original company I thought I was supposed to work at. I’m letting go of my anger to my last company who found a creative way to turn me out so they didn’t have to deal with me. I’m accepting that I wasn’t meant to do those things. And I’m surrendering to the idea that not being meant to do those things also doesn’t necessarily mean that I am meant to do something really big that will make me super successful and famous. I’ve spent a lot of time hoping that all of this grief and pain and hardship and heartache is because something really hugely amazing is on the horizon and will send me into the stratosphere. That I will be one of those people you see on TV or in a magazine article talking about all of the great things I achieved because of all the hardship I went through.

I’m not saying that isn’t a possibility. I’m just saying it is time to surrender to whatever the plan is. To keep doing my best, but recalibrate what my best is and stop pushing myself beyond my limits. Keep my hope. Let go of my expectations.

I thought I’d be in New York by now. I thought I’d have more than 3 professionally published articles out by now. I thought I’d be not sick by now. None of those things are even close to happening. They may someday. They may not. It’s ok. Whatever is supposed to happen will. I will keep trying. I will keep listening. I will keep aligning. I will keep staying open. I will not lose hope. I will not give up. And, I will accept my circumstances, and surrender to whatever the future has in store. Because, I’ve learned the hard way that I have very little control over it.

In the next installment, I will go into some more detail about how terrible the job I ended up accepting turned out to be, and how quickly I realized I couldn’t work at all anymore because of that second bout of Covid. And then I will get into how much that second infection turned my life upside down again.

And, to this day, as I write this, it has not gotten better. I have peaks and valleys. But I am not any better this time. I have not recovered this time like I did the first time. From August 2022 to April 2025, I still have a huge load of unexplained health problems that no one has been able to fix. In fact, last week I had a test done where I passed out and my heart stopped for a few seconds, and the doctor who administered the test is recommending a pacemaker, but my referring doctor is in total disagreement. I find out next week what the course of action is. I will write about all of that soon, when I know more details. Until then, sending you love.

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