I'm Still Worthy of Love Even Though I'm Sick
How Astrology Helped Me This Week - And It Can Help You, Too
I'm Still Worthy of Love Even Though I'm Sick: How Astrology Helped Me This Week
Even though I’m chronically ill, I’m still worthy of a loving romantic relationship. And you may be saying, “DUH”. But, this was my epiphany this week. And not only am I going to tell you about it, but I am going to tell you how astrology helped me get to this “aha” moment, and I am going to give you a little astrology reading for the week.
If you read my Astrology 101 post, you may remember that the 12th house in astrology is in charge of subconscious, self-transcendence, hidden life, sorrow, loss, service to humanity, self-sacrifice, after life, intuition, dreams, ascension, higher spirituality, solitude, institutions, seeing beneath the surface and things others don’t see, behind-the-scenes, endings, healing, closure, and karma. It is a house where you can go hide away, dig beneath your surface, figure out what you do to self-sabotage, work on healing it, and then experience some self-transcendence from that process. This my friends is exactly what I have been doing for the last month.
Soooo much of the astrology happening this year is happening in Aries. Right now, a lot is going back and forth between Pisces and Aries. To figure out what those things mean for you personally, you look at your chart and figure out what houses those signs are in for you. (As also detailed in my Astro 101 post). For me, Aries is in the 12th house. And, the fact that my Sun is in Aries makes it all the more…POTENT (if you listen to Chani Nicholas you know this is her favorite word and I just had to throw it in there).
Venus - the planet of love
is Retrograding - pulling focus and causing you to do a deep excavation
in Aries - a bold, authentic, and loud sign
in MY 12th house - subconscious, self-transcendence, hidden life, sorrow, loss, solitude, seeing beneath the surface and things others don’t see, behind-the-scenes, endings, healing, closure.
I knew I needed to spend this time in a lot of solitude sorting through my shit. And boy oh boy did it go off last night! Which isn’t a surprise because yesterday was:
Mercury - planet of communication
Conjoining - coming together with
The Sun - which gives a lot of extra energy to the planet it is conjoining (Mercury-communication)
In Aries - a bold, authentic, and loud sign.
in MY 12th house - which I explained above.
Mercury is also retrograding (pulling focus) right now. The planet of communication moving backwards usually causes a lot of communication breakdowns and confusion. However, the one day it comes together with the Sun is the one day of clarity you get during the Mercury retrograde cycle.
Today, the planet of communication came together with the Sun who gave it a lot of extra energy in the bold, loud Aries sign, in my 12th house of sitting in solitude to dig beneath my surface and figure myself out. It was a good day for a message to be clearly communicated to me.
Additionally, because Venus (the planet of love and relationships) is also retrograde in this exact same spot, the message was probably going to be about how I self-sabotage myself in love and relationships, and how I need to heal and grow from that. How to confront it.
I’d been planning to take a solitary road trip for almost the entire month of March and had booked Airbnb’s in Rhinebeck (NY), Salem (MA), Portland (ME), Brandon (VT), and Montreal (Cana-duh). I just wanted to get the fuck away from this life of mine, be on the road by myself, turn off my phone, see some beautiful towns, and figure some shit out. The one thing I did know was that solitude while living with my mom is impossible, so I needed to get out of the house for this journey.
However, life happened. I conveniently forgot that March is my absolute biggest flare-up month for my chronic illness and I have been bed-ridden for much of it. I’ve been in the ER. And I have honestly felt like I was dying no less than 3 times. Plus, for maybe the very first time ever in my life, I decided that I should be a little more responsible with money and not take what was going to be an unavoidably costly trip no matter how cheaply I tried to do things. My disability income is like an eighth of what I made at my last job. I can’t be flitting off on whims because my astrology tells me to.
So, I’ve been hiding away in my attic room, turning my phone on silent, conveniently and coincidentally off Meta platforms, and somehow successfully convincing my mom to keep interruptions to a minimum. I’ve been journaling with the fervor that could only be rivaled by a Swiftie trying to get tickets to the Eras Tour. I’m listening to copious amounts of emotional and helpful audiobooks, meaningful music, and astrology forecasting podcasts. I have been doing art meditations where all of a sudden I think I’m a psychological Picasso discovering all of my existential ennui.
In my March astrology forecasts, I kept seeing that there was going to be an epiphany, but I was starting to think I was going to miss it. I knew I shouldn’t try so hard, but I can’t help myself. And, by the end of the day yesterday, the best day for it to come, I was ready to throw in the towel and just assume I’m fully transcended at 41 (LOL). Then it smacked me in the fucking face.
Flashback to Venus Retrograde in Spring 2017
I guess I had high hopes because when I was reading about this whole Venus retrograde in Aries in my 12th house thing, I kept seeing that the last time this happened was during this time in 2017. And there is sooooo much that, looking back, mirrors that time period and makes sense in the scope of the world. Which I wrote about previously here. Additionally, there is soooo much that happened to me personally during that time that makes sense now, too. At that time, I did not follow astrology. I just was living it without knowing it.
One of the major things that happened during that time was the discovery that I am an Intuitive Empath and that it was a HUGE part of who I am and how I operate. And some serious adjustments needed to be made in my life to accommodate this so I could be healthier and happier. Chief among those changes were retiring from performing stand-up comedy. As an IE, I was taking on all of the emotions of all of the fellow comics and audiences I was around. I was a sponge, and it was not healthy.
I remember hunkering down in my apartment for several months and barely leaving. I did not go out and socialize very much. I wanted to spend all of my time at home by myself. And I started reading like crazy about this life-altering epiphany I had about my personality.
Over that year, I learned so much valuable information and I really healed a lot of things about myself. Soooo, I went into a state of solitude, dug beneath the surface, found some self-sabotaging and pain I needed to heal, and made a lot of major life adjustments to become stronger and healthier and have a little self-transcendence.
I could honestly write a whole book about this whole process and time period alone. But, I will keep it to the above for this post. The point is, without even knowing it, I was doing EXACTLY what my astrology called for in 2017. And it was a major discovery and life shift for me at that point in time that set me on such a different path than I was on.
Ok, Back to 2025
Since that time, I have made so many decisions differently and learned how to improve my life so drastically because of that one piece of knowledge about myself. In 2025, knowing that was right on track with my astrology back in 2017 when I didn’t even know it, kinda caused me to set the bar just a little high for the same thing to happen now. So much so, that I was ready to traverse the Northeast for a month to discover myself like some kind of Krista Kerouc (but with Pop music, blog posts, and legal prescriptions instead.)
I’m glad I didn’t do that. For one, I would not have been able to take care of myself with all of my major health issues I’ve had this month. For another, I don’t know why I think I have the money to do this shit. Maybe I think I am Krista Kerouc Kardashian or something? (Please note that I have not read On The Road and am basing this on a very quick and lazy Google search. But I have regrettably watched multiple episodes of Keeping Up With The Kardashian’s in my 20’s).
Also, I think the travel would have been a distraction. Instead laying in my bed and journaling/reading/listening to various things/drawing/and struggling to do any of this with my cat on my bewbies proved to be the best option I think.
I think I was trying too hard to figure it out though. Nothing major was knocking me over the head. I mean, the usual stuff, but nothing that felt ground-breaking. I was thinking a lot about my attachment style—Fearful Avoidant/Anxious Avoidant/Disorganized (if you need a good example of this type, watch Kristen Bell’s character in Nobody Wants This on Netflix.) Since it’s a Venus retrograde, it likely has to do with things that impact my relationships. And, it could definitely be said that the Intuitive Empath thing in 2017 fit that bill.
With all my preoccupation with my attachment style for the past couple of years, I was thinking this Venus Rx astrology lesson might be something around that. But, it’ wasn’t...
It was a combination of listening to the new book This Is Body Grief (which talks about all forms of body grief—miscarriages, trans bodies, eating disorders, chronic illness and many other types) and coming to terms with the deep body grief I am experiencing with this long illness, and the fact that I need to learn to accept my new normal and that the rest of my life could very possibly look like this. (Please note I didn’t say I’m giving up hope or going to stop trying to get better. I simply said I am learning to accept that possibility of this being the rest of my life. Acceptance is a super important stage of this process. It doesn’t mean I’m giving up. It means I’m surrendering control and expectations.) Combined with having heard and read a lot of stories of other disabled people lately—the common thread is that they are all married.
I’m sure there are plenty of other single disabled people out there that write and tell their stories. I just, personally, haven’t read or heard any in my recent comings and goings. It got me thinking about my experience as a single disabled person.
The author of This is Body Grief has mentioned her husband on several occasions thus far in the book. The thought that kept running through my head is “how on Earth would I find a husband in this condition?”. In every story I’ve heard/read, the disabled person was married prior to becoming disabled—including the author of this book. The toxic thoughts running in my subconscious were things like “I wonder how many people in this situation find a partner after they become sick?” and “Must be nice to live with your spouse rather than your mom!”.
I immediately stopped myself from this unhealthy and unfair way of thinking. Because my rational brain knows that every single disabled person has their own story and hardships. Comparing is such a toxic thing to do. Because this author’s disability itself is much worse than mine. And other disabled people have no one to go live with or take care of them like I do with my mom. And even those thoughts aren’t healthy or fair because they are still about comparing how easy or hard someone’s life is.
I bristle at admitting those thoughts because I am not proud of them. But it’s important to me to be honest. Also, it’s kind of an integral part of the story.
I was grateful that I realized I was having these unhelpful thoughts so quickly. I was able to sit with them and get to the root of them. I paused my book and thought through it all. I talked myself through the fact that I don’t know the details of anyone else’s life. I don’t know what’s harder or worse. Then I talked myself through the fact that it doesn’t matter if it’s better or worse or harder or easier. We need to be in this together.
Then I tried to get to the root of why I was thinking like this. I’ve learned throughout my life the habit of comparison, and I’m trying to unlearn it. Realizing it so quickly and addressing it like this is a great sign of progress. And beyond having learned this behavior for a large portion of my life, what are the underlying thoughts running in my subconscious that are telling me to think such nasty and unhelpful thoughts?
Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks, the self-sabotaging, subconscious thought that has been running through my head that I was astrologically meant to discover was, “I am not worthy of love because I am sick.” Also, thoughts like: “I will not find love because I am sick.” “I can’t focus on romantic love because I am sick.” “I will have to wait until I get better to find love.” “No one wants to love someone who has a chronic illness.” “I can’t possibly find a partner who wants to deal with me under these circumstances.”
Then I had a nervous breakdown.
I’m not entirely sure where these thoughts came from. I’m still working on that. I just had zero idea these were running in the background of my psyche. I had a vague idea that I had been telling myself that it wasn’t a priority because of my illness, and that it was on hold because of my illness. And I knew I had been telling myself and others that the likelihood of finding a suitable partner…for me…that shares my values…where I’m currently living...wasn’t great. As such, I would just need to wait until I got better and moved away. Plus, I reasoned that it wouldn’t be right to start something with someone and then move away when I got better. So it was just easier not to start anything.
But, I did not realize that running beneath that excuse, at the very root, was “I am not worthy of romantic love because I am sick.” And, when I realized that, I knew I had the moment of clarity at the final hour of the day I was meant to have it. I’d given up on having it, and turned on my audiobook and picked up my sketchpad. Then that’s when I had my “aha” moment. Then I thought, “Imma write about this on my blog tomorrow.”
Then I woke up and checked today’s Chani app astrology reading
Because today Mercury retrograde is sextiling Pluto. The planet of communication (Mercury), is making a positive angle (sextiling) to the planet of digging beneath the surface and facing hard truths (Pluto). So, communicating a hidden truth is a positive thing to do today, as per the reading above.
Mercury is currently in Aries. Pluto is currently in Aquarius. For me, Aries is in the 12th house and Aquarius is in 10th house. So the parts about “self-perceptions that don’t serve your muses” and “hidden gifts” is 12th house shit. The part about expressing in public, offering two cents, and inspiring others is my 10th house stuff because that is the house that represents your public life. The part about ditching, composting, and shredding the crap that doesn’t serve you is the retrograde.
What I love about astrology is that it happens whether I know about it or am paying attention or not. Like it did in 2017. But, when I do know and pay attention, I feel like I can go that much deeper into the growing, healing and understanding. Like I’m doing now.
I really didn’t think I had any self-sabotaging thoughts in my subconscious. I genuinely thought I knew them all and they were in my conscious. I kept being skeptical when, in the past few weeks, my future readings were predicting I would uncover subconscious, self-sabotaging tracks playing on loop. But I just kept allowing myself to remain open and to know it would find me when it was supposed to.
Maybe it doesn’t sound that groundbreaking to figure out you were thinking you weren’t worthy of love because you were sick. But, I can assure you, this is a life-altering realization. I will be doing things a lot differently from here on out because of this. My therapist is getting an earful next week. She subscribes to this blog, so she will have the background info and we can get right into the nitty gritty! (Hope you’re looking forward to that, Ms. Krista’s Therapist).
And maybe it sounds pretty obvious that ill/disabled people are worthy of love. But, I guess it wasn’t to me. I guess I had internalized that there was something wrong with me and why would anyone want someone who had something wrong with them. And, the more I thought about that, the more I’ve realized I’ve always done this to myself. “One day when I have clear skin, then someone will love me.” “One day when I lose weight, then someone will love me.” “One day when I’ve made myself perfect in every way, someone will love me.” “One day, when I get better from Long COVID and move away to another city, someone will love me.” One day…
I’ve done this to myself all along. I’ve put off love to “one day” this whole time as a means of never allowing myself to have it. Because, as all fearful avoidants do, I subscribe to the Google definition as people who “believe they are unlovable and also don't trust other people to support and accept them. Because they think others will eventually reject them, they withdraw from relationships.”
BOOM! I guess it did have something to do with my attachment style after all! SUCK ON THAT!
So, maybe soon I’ll come out of my hermit solitude and allow myself to find love.
Huge March Astrology and What It Means For You
Now, onto some info about the insanely HUGE astrology happening in the rest of March! Just so you can be prepared, if you want to. ;)
In addition the the above astrology I’ve talked about here and in the other posts I’ve linked above, we have some once in a lifetime shit happening for the rest of this month!
North Node Solar Eclipse in Aries
Saturday March 29 is the final North Node solar eclipse in Aries of a series since April 2023. Eclipses are really chaotic, unstable, and groundbreaking times. We grow a lot from them, and in unexpected ways. North Node eclipses are energy we are hungry and insatiable for. Aries as a sign is independent, brave, loud, and bold. And whatever house Aries is in for you are the areas of your life it impacts.
This is special because it is the last eclipse in Aries for the next couple of decades, and it is the end of a story in your life that started with the first one in April 2023. Think back to that time and what was starting for you, and what is wrapping up in the same area of your life now. Something that matches the energies I mentioned above (unstable, groundbreaking, lots of growth, hungry and insatiable, loud, bold, brave, and independent). If it was in your 4th house, it could have been the above mentioned energies in your family, home, roots and foundation, parents, home life, etc. There is something to learn from this eclipse.
Chani says in her blog post about it:
When: March 29th, 2025, at 3:57 am PT
What: Solar North Node eclipse in Aries
Takeaway: This solar eclipse marks a crescendo in our journeys of self-advocacy and autonomy. This is the final Aries eclipse near the North Node for nearly two decades, and it culminates a story we began in April of 2023. Honor your resilience and courage, and celebrate just how far you’ve come between then and now.
BRING ON THE FIREWORKS
Most of the eclipses since April of 2023 have been unwinding across the Aries/Libra axis, shaking up our burning ambitions and reawakening our rebellious impulses. Wherever Aries resides in your chart, this area of your life has likely evolved in leaps and bounds — and perhaps brushed against a few growth edges.
Over the past couple years, these eclipses have underscored how vital it is to honor your inner fire and your longing for self-actualization, even at the risk of disappointing others. You’ve been learning how to balance your personal agenda with the needs of your most important relationships, and this last eclipse in Aries is a final exam on all the ways you’ve sharpened the sword of your conviction.
…BUT PACE YOURSELF
When celestial events occur on or near the North Node, they get infused with a sense of hunger, restlessness, and drive that can sometimes feel bottomless. The ancients mythologized the North Node as the head of a ravenous dragon — aflame with desire, but disconnected from the feeling of satiation in its belly.
In turn, the eclipse near the North Node on March 29th represents an uptick in all things Aries: aggression, conflict, bold leaps of faith, and the appetite for novelty. On the days surrounding this eclipse, be extra discerning about the ways you’re exceeding your capacity to achieve a certain goal. This eclipse could be an opportunity to redefine what it means to “win” in the first place. Opting out of a battle could be the most triumphant move of all.
If you’re burning the candle at both ends, pause long enough to ask yourself what you need to decompress. Aries is a sign that champions the self, but its go-getting spirit can’t be sustained without regular recharges. So rally your comrades for support. If you’ve become isolated within your adrenaline rush, that’s your cue to check in with the people who keep you grounded and help you blow off steam. You don’t have to go it alone.
FYI: THERE ARE TWO RETROGRADES IN THE MIX
Adding to the drama, both Venus and Mercury are still retrograde. Logging off and unplugging are always wise during eclipse seasons, but they’re also great ways to support Venus’ retrograde journey, which is a time of solitary retreat and introspection.
Mercury retrograde protocol is also crucial right now. Communicate with tact, and take several deep breaths before sharing what’s on your mind. Amid the volatility of eclipse season, we can be extra reactive, so remind yourself that you’re never obligated to weigh in, and save your hot takes and mic drops for a calmer moment.
THE FINAL WRAP-UP
Our usual eclipse advice to lie low and rest still stands, though all the buzzing Aries energy in the air may feel activating. If so, seek safe, cathartic outlets that help you cool down, which will make all the difference. You can always redirect pent-up feistiness by dancing, scream-singing along to your favorite heavy metal soundtrack, or clenching and then relaxing your muscles.
Remember: This is the grand finale of the Aries/Libra eclipse series. Recognize all the small and large moments when you’ve been your own fierce protector, advocate, and cheerleader over the past two years. It may not have been easy, but the relationship you’ve cultivated with yourself is priceless.
WAYS TO WORK WITH THE SOLAR ECLIPSE IN ARIES
1. Expect the unexpected. Schedule wiggle room in your calendar as a buffer against unforeseeable events.
2. Refrain rom making big moves or major launches from March 13th to March 29th (aka eclipse season). Eclipses are volatile moments, so it’s best to start projects after the turbulence has passed.
3. Mind-map what success means to you — and only you. Then journal about the self-doubts or inner naysayers that are blocking you from following through. Brainstorm healthy mindset shifts that could fuel your fire.
4. Channel your jitters into constructive outlets. Play air guitar with the mop, sweat it out in the sauna, or take out your frustration on your pottery wheel.
5. Anchor into your senses, especially if excess energy is making you feel ungrounded. Spend time in nature or with pets, breathe into your belly, or cook nourishing meals.
6. Rest abundantly. Limit your screen time, anoint yourself with essential oils, or meditate before bed to help yourself unwind.
7. Prioritize quality time with the people and activities that replenish your system. Say no to everything else for now.
Neptune Moves Into Aries
And the big, Big, BIG one… Neptune is moving into Aries! This is one of the biggest deals of 2025! Neptune only changes signs every 12-15 years, and it comes around to Aries every 165 years. We have never been alive when this planet was in Aries, and we won’t be alive when it comes back here later. When these slow moving planets change signs, it’s a big fucking deal. I wrote about it in my post about all of the major 2025 astrology.
But, essentially, Neptune will move into Aries from March 30 to October 22, 2025, and we will get a preview of what this transit will have in store for us over the next 14 years. It will retrograde back into Pisces and wrap up its stuff there from Oct 23, 2025 to Jan 25, 2026. Then, from Jan 26, 2026 until March 2039, it is doing its thing in Aries.
Neptune is about spirituality, inspiration, compassion, subconscious, the arts, imagination, magic, dreams, fantasies. Aries is about motivation, initiation, courage, moving forward, taking action, being big and bold. So, a Neptune in Aries energy is about being motivated to start being brave and taking action to move forward on your wildest fantasies and dreams, spiritual quests, compassionate endeavors, and inspiration and art!! It is about BOLD INSPIRATION.
That is the overarching idea of what it does in general for the collective. For you personally, the area of your life this transit will impact is the house Aries falls in for you (list of houses are in this post.) If Aries falls in your 3rd house there will be BOLD INSPIRATION in your communication and daily rituals. You will be inspired to take action in matters of compassion and imagination in the areas of your life that are in the house you have Aries in.
Essentially, this weekend, you will be closing out an important two year Aries North Node eclipse story on Saturday, and starting a brand new 14 year Neptune in Aries story on Sunday. NO BIG DEAL. jkjk. Very big deal.
Oh look! I offer various services listed below to earn money (Email krista.m.atkinson@gmail.com for any of these services.
1 - Neptune in Aries Reading - for your personal astrological chart for 45 mins = $35. Additional add on 15 minute short tarot reading for your Venus Rx = $10. (And, if you’re a paid subscriber to my Substack, your Venus Rx reading is free if you want one. Just hit me up. Thank you for your support!)
2 - Personal Astrology Chart Reading - taking just the astro chart section out of the Love and Accept the Sh*t Outta Yourself workshop, and having a 1.5 hour session with you about your Big 3 placements = $75.
3 - The Love and Accept the Sh*t Outta Yourself workshop - a very in-depth, personalized, workshop that includes chakra work, guided meditation, your personal astro chart reading, and a tarot reading all decided to help you love and accept yourself more. 2.5hrs session - $175 (many hours of work put in prior to session). More details here.