Heal. Pray. Grow

Part 2 - My Trip to Amsterdam

Once again, my sincere apologies for such an incredibly delayed post. I am still in ‘house moving’ hell. It is wearing me TF out, and I am just completely exhausted. And, the existential dread and severe depression I am feeling over the morally bankrupt election results just hasn’t put me in a mood to write about the second leg of my trip. None of it seems to matter now.

But, I started writing this before the election, and it is just sitting in drafts and gosh darnit I am just going to finish it and publish it. Please just know that I don’t even really think any of this matters now. But, if you feel like reading about why I hated Amsterdam, please continue. If you can’t possibly wrap your mind around caring about this in the slightest—I get it.

If you missed the last post, that was part 1 of my trip—Ireland. Here it is if you wanna catch up. Now it’s time to fill you in on Amsterdam. Spoiler alert, it mostly pretty much sucked. A very stark contrast to Ireland.

It wasn’t all Amsterdam’s fault. Some of it was circumstantial. But it just ended up being so apparent from the very beginning to the very end that I was not in sync here.

About a year ago, I learned about something called astrocartography. It places your birth chart on top of a world map and tells you places around the world that you are best and worst suited for. I was completely unfamiliar with this phenomenon, and it was complicated as f*ck to figure out, but I spent a lot of time tooling around with it, and decided that Amsterdam should be a really good place for me.

It didn’t hurt that this city had been calling to me for a while anyways, and that it had been near the top of my travel list for a handful of years. As such, I decided then and there that I was going to find a way to get there as soon as possible. I told my therapist, my mom, and a bunch of my friends— “I am going to get there one way or another very soon and figure out what is meant for me there.”

I started manifesting this trip as best I could. Praying for the disability approval to finally happen after all the denials. Manifesting being healthy enough to even have a successful flight over there. And envisioning being in perfect harmony and health when I was there. I guess 2 out of 3 ain’t bad?

As you know from previous posts, I was able to finally get approved for benefits, and when I received my back pay I paid off a lot of debt, reimbursed some of my retirement I’d had to cash out on, and put money in savings. And, with some of it, I treated myself to this trip to Ireland and Amsterdam to have something fun and healing in my life to enjoy after one of the saddest and most stressful periods of my life. Which, if you have been subscribed for a while, you know I also write about my Long Covid journey on here too. It’s been quite a while since I have done an installment on that. I will get back to that soon, so I can catch you up on just how hard things were before all of this.

And while my chronic illness is still ever present, I had managed to get to a point with my health where this trip was doable if I made a lot of accommodations to help me successfully get through it. So, everything I had been working on manifesting thus far was coming to fruition. Now all I needed was for my life to completely change for the better in Amsterdam because of an astrological theory that I know almost nothing about. Piece of cake!

Everything up to this point had seemed like things were aligning. Yes, there were things during the Ireland retreat that were hard for me or when I was too tired to participate. However, it all felt aligned and like it was leading me in a positive direction. And, overall, it was a really healing and extraordinary experience in which I felt so at peace and happy. And even when things didn’t go as originally planned, I still felt very taken care of and in harmony. It abruptly shifted to completely out of sync literally as soon as I arrived at the airport in Dublin to head to Amsterdam.

There were just a lot of little annoyances like forgetting to have my mask ready and not being able to find it when I got to the airport. Really struggling with my luggage before handing it off to the airline. And a bunch of little things that didn’t really seem like much at the time, but just kept adding up from beginning to end, and compiling on top of some more substantial things that ended up happening.

One of the things that was quite stressful and really wore me down happened at security. I know, I know. No one in the history of the world has EVER had a frustrating experience with the incredibly wonderful, efficient, and useful TSA! I guess it just surprised me because Ireland had been so easy to deal with so far, and because the protocol they ended up going through was one of the dumbest I have ever encountered BY FAR.

I had checked my suitcase and in there were all the toiletries and other things that I know the TSA has a fit over. This isn’t my first rodeo and I know how to pack for the airport. Then my carry-on and my personal item were filled with dirty clothes and other things that are of zero consequence and I can’t for the life of me understand why they were flagged.

Luckily, I had a wheelchair porter, so we were able to go through most things faster, but not this part. Both of my bags were flagged and pulled over to the other side. It had taken me all morning to pack them in a way that I could fit everything and be at the right weight limit. It is really hard to pack light for a 3-week trip and I had bought some souvenirs in Ireland so at this point my already stuffed luggage was busting at the seams. These two carry-on’s took me forever to get packed just right and these TSA agents tore them to shreds like lions devouring their prey in the jungle.

What had they flagged you may ask? A compact mirror and a rain poncho. Then, they left the tattered remains all over the table for me to put back together after they deemed these tools of potential destruction as…not tools of potential destruction, I guess? I spent a good amount of energy and about 10 mins putting them back together in a way that I could get them zipped. This is not Amsterdam’s fault. It was just one of the things on the way to Amsterdam that felt totally out of line with the rest of the trip so far.

I arrived in Amsterdam in pretty bad shape. I was just really worn out and ready to get in bed. No sooner did I get off the flight, and I was met with another frustrating inconvenience—lack of my requested wheelchair services.

I had been choosing wheelchair service when I was checking in for flights, and ticking the box that says I am capable of walking but not long distances. In Chicago and Ireland so far, this had meant that I boarded and deboarded the plane myself, but that a porter took me from check-in to gate when I was departing, and gate to baggage claim and then the taxi stand when arriving. This took care of the bulk of the walking, carrying things, and standing in lines (which somehow is actually harder on my body and symptoms than walking long distances). This was preserving my energy so well and helping out so much, especially considering how hard the flights themselves were on my body.

When checking in for Amsterdam flight, I had chosen the same option as always, but when I arrived, it was a very different experience. As I came off the flight, the porter assigned to me informed me that they were assigned two people and could only push one of us in a wheelchair. The other person could also walk, but was about 15-20 years older than me, and as such the porter just decided that this person would be pushed and I wouldn’t. The other person had a spouse with them who was walking and I was by myself. But, as is oft the case with invisible illnesses, this porter just looked at me and assumed I didn’t need the help I had requested.

They informed me that there would be spots where they would be driving a cart that we would all fit in, and I wouldn’t have to walk those parts, but that this cart couldn’t go through the lines or other certain parts of the airport. So the porter would push the other person when that was the case and I was expected to walk while carrying my stuff, and I would get some relief during the certain parts the cart can go through. And, as with most airports, the distance from the gate to the taxi stand was hella long!

At first, I politely obliged and kept my thoughts and frustrations to myself. However, as the long journey continued, and there kept being more and more places that I was told I needed to walk, my submission to this expectation began to wear off. I was tired, out of breath, and really struggling with all the walking and carrying my stuff. Plus, I felt I needed to take a stand for the fact that I had requested the same service the other person had, and appeared to have similar capabilities to him, and I was being treated as if I should be doing this based on my age and incorrect assumptions.

As such, I explained my situation to the porter and asked them to get on their walkie talkie and request that I be assigned my own porter as I was not able to continue walking (there were a lot of spots where we had to walk and not take the cart. I have no idea why). I was told they were unable to do this and that I either needed to keep walking or that they would kick the other person out of the chair and start pushing me. The other person and their spouse did not once speak up this entire time, but when the porter started kicking them out of the chair they got up and were going to comply.

At this point I became angry. I said, “No. I am not asking for you to kick them out. We both requested this service and we both deserve to have this service that we need. It isn’t right to just look at me and assume that I don’t need help. I am disabled and I need help.” With this, the person got back in the chair but still stayed silent. The porter continued to refuse to call for help and maintained that they had to take both of us. So I said, “I am not walking anywhere else. I have a right to this service. I requested it ahead of time. You need to figure it out.”

They then proposed that they would take the other person through the rest of the way to baggage claim and then the taxi stand, and I would wait there and the porter would come back for me and take me through separately after them. I agreed to this, but I still think it was bullshit. Why was I the one that had to wait? Why did anyone have to wait? Why couldn’t they have called someone else in for help?

So, I sat and waited quite a while for them to get the first person to their bags and taxi. Then they came back for me and took me through to do the same. The whole time I was being treated in a way that made me feel uncomfortable. Like I was causing them a problem and was a nuisance. Like I was being too difficult. But advocating for myself was necessary. I was incredibly uncomfortable having to do it. I don’t like conflict. I hate that I am even in a position where I need this service. I am so uncomfortable asking for help. So it was super hard for me to be in a situation where I had to fight this hard to advocate for a service that I need but felt really weird about needing. And the way I was being treated as a result just made me all the more uncomfortable.

I finally made it out to the taxi stand, but the hits just kept on coming. I consider myself quite savvy in terms of travel, big cities, and street smarts. It is quite hard to pull one over on me. I especially know how to avoid all the scammers. At airports, I always recognize the expensive black vehicles that try to steer people looking for a taxi into their car instead. They solicit riders who don’t know better. Then they charge exorbitant fees. Plus, there is always the issue of safety.

However, in my experience, if you join the taxi stand line where an airport employee is directing the passengers to the taxis, then you are getting in a legit taxi. The fake expensive taxi drivers are never allowed in that line. At least in any other place I have ever been.

I was wheeled to the taxi line and to the employee coordinating the rides. I was put in the next taxi in line. It all happened so fast and I was so drained from all the ordeals I had dealt with that day already. I wasn’t paying attention to the car or driver. I was trusting that in the taxi line, directed by the aiport employee, I was being put into an actual taxi. (Side note - Uber is not super big in Amsterdam. They have another ride share service that I wasn’t aware of that I later found out about and downloaded. It just seemed easier to get directly into a cab than to try to find Uber spot and wait when they don’t have a very big presence there. Well, Uber rides didn’t. But Uber Eats is huge there. Because they are such a big bicycle city, and all the deliveries on Uber Eats is done by bicycle.)

As we pulled away from the airport, I looked around and noticed what a very nice car it was. I noticed that it wasn’t a taxi like all the rest. It looked a lot like one of those expensive black cars. But, at this point, there was nothing I could do about it. And I was all out of fight for the day. So, I just bit my tongue, leaned my head back to relax, and hoped that it wouldn’t be too expensive.

As the ride progressed, it just felt like it was taking much longer than it should have. Like, we were making circles rather than taking a direct route to the address. I finally pulled out my phone and GPS and watched the trip to make sure we were headed in the right direction. We were, but it looked like the trip should have only been about 15-20 mins according to GPS with traffic. However, we had already been in the car for 20 mins and still had about 15 to go. It seemed like they were not taking the best and most direct route, and potentially running up the meter. I can’t say for sure, but I was already feeling duped for being ushered into this fake expensive car, so I can’t be entirely sure that they weren’t also taking an extra long route.

When we finally got within a block of my Airbnb, it had been about a 45 min trip and the road he needed to turn on was closed. He circled around for another 5 minutes and finally decided he couldn’t get to my airbnb and that I would have to walk the rest of the way. I just wanted to be out of this car and in bed, so I said “fine.” A closed road wasn’t his fault. The meter finally stopped and I owed a whopping 85 euros ($95 US). What GPS said should have been a 15 min ride turned into a 45 min/95 dollar ride.

I was sooooo freaking tired and defeated and worn out at this point, and I was so seething mad about all this, that I decided to bite the bullet and keep my mouth shut. I knew my temper was raging so bad that if I tried to say anything it would cause more problems than it would solve. And being a woman in a new country by myself in this man’s car, I decided it was not safe for me to mouth off about this. Even though I REALLY wanted to. I had no way to prove any of it. I had no energy to protest it. And, what was done was done. I couldn’t go back in time and tell the airport guy to put me in a real taxi. So I paid the amount owed and got my luggage and began the one block walk down the cobblestone street along the canal with a very heavy rolling suitcase, backpack, and duffel bag.

Upon arriving at my Airbnb, I was so completely worn out and it took everything I had to figure out the lock box to get the keys, and which keys went to which doors. At last, I finally found my way into the building to be greeted by the staircase from hell.

It was winding. It was STEEP. The steps were very narrow. And it was uneven. I left my suitcase in the entry way, and carried up my backpack and duffel. I left them on a landing and went back for my suitcase and lugged it up the same staircase to the landing where my bags where.

***Quick pause to assure the readers that I know most buildings in Europe have lots of stairs and no elevators. I really lucked out that my Airbnb in Ireland had an elevator. I also want to assure you that I know it is really important to pack as light as you can, and I did. But, packing for 3 weeks and Fall weather is no easy feat. The temp changes are drastic and there is lots of rain. I had no choice but to pack layers and boots and 3 weeks of stuff. I REALLY pared down my clothing and utilized laundry services at the retreat and used the washer/dryer in the Amsterdam Airbnb. I only packed necessary things. But, it is a lot when it is for 3 weeks. And, I didn’t go crazy buying souvenirs in Ireland, but I did buy some and those just added to the issue.***

Ok, where was I? Oh yes, the first flight of stairs. I guess I should have done a better job at asking questions before booking this place. It hit all the marks in terms of good location, affordable price, nice accommodations, good reviews etc. However, had I known just how many steps would be included, I may have taken pause and looked elsewhere. However, Airbnbs in Amsterdam that were actually in the city and in a good location were all hella expensive. So, considering that this was affordable and hit all the other marks, I probably would have naively assumed all the stairs would be ok. Especially since there was no way of knowing how treacherous they were until actually being on them. With heavy luggage. With Long Covid.

After the first flight of stairs came another flight of equally steep, winding, uneven, narrow steps. Once again—one trip up with suitcase and another trip up with bags. There I reached the door of the apartment and thought I was home free. I unlocked that door to be greeted immediately by another set of steps to get into the apartment itself. And would ya know it? These were also steep, winding, uneven and narrow! I cannot stress enough how hard it is to get heavy luggage up these kinds of steps.

After two trips up this set with my luggage, I made it to the downstairs level of the apartment! Turns out my bedroom was on the very top level of this apartment. So, yes, you guessed it, ANOTHER SET OF STAIRS!!!! YAY!!!!! And this one was the worst yet. Just as steep. Just as winding. But even more narrow and uneven. AND this ones were really slick! Two trips up with my luggage and I was finally in my room.

I collapsed in the bed and momentarily died! jkjk. But, I was a MESS. Guys, this was just my first day in Amsterdam for a week long trip. And it wasn’t even my first full day. Woof!

Once I was able to breathe again, I decided I was insanely hungry. I had been on the go all day and it was way past dinner time at this point. I had seen Uber Eats delivery bikers everywhere on the fake cab ride from airport. So, I hopped on Uber Eats and tried to find something healthy that I liked.

When it arrived, I had no idea where the buzzer was to let them in and up to the apartment. As such, I went all the way down the four staircases from hell, and all the way back up. I then holed up in bed with a very meh/mid/mediocre dinner and Netflix on my iPad. I spent the rest of the night there.

The next day, I woke up with a cold. I felt like shit and decided to stay in bed and rest all day. I purposefully planned a week in Amsterdam just in case I needed days to do nothing but rest. So I made my peace with this and hoped that this cold wouldn’t be too bad.

I rested and babied myself all day. I was drinking copious amounts of my tea and taking extra vitamins and supplements. I even ordered groceries online to be delivered. I figured I could be healthier and it would be cheaper if I did this. Then I wouldn’t have to get out and I wouldn’t have to order every meal to be delivered separately.

At this point I had met my host the previous evening. She was from New Zealand and incredibly friendly. She was a big talker and a bit of an oversharer. But, I am all those things too, so whatevs. One of the things she had told me was that she had a discount code for 15% off your first order with this grocery delivery service, so I decided to try it out. When I sat down to order them in the morning my host was still sleeping. She is actually a bigger night owl than me and slept in way later than me every day. So, I set about ordering my groceries myself, on an online site that was entirely in Dutch…

There were no English translations on the site whatsoever, and the pictures were tiny thumbnails that could be misleading. It was a fun little adventure to order all of my groceries in a language I didn’t know!

Here is the FB post I made about that day -

9/24 - Arrived in Amsterdam yesterday evening and was pretty worn out. Ordered Uber Eats and just laid in bed all night.

Unfortunately today I’m still in pretty rough shape and am coming down with a cold. Have rested and babied myself all day. (It’s 10pm here right now, so headed to bed after this).

Ordered groceries to be delivered, and fixed myself a healthy breakfast and have been absolutely loading up on vitamins, tea, veggie juice, vitamin C shots, etc. My Airbnb host is very sweet and helpful and she gave me a discount code for the grocery delivery. It was super fast, convenient, and affordable grocery delivery. It was interesting online shopping for the groceries in Dutch. I used the tiny pics to the best of my abilities, but there were a couple of surprises when it was delivered.

Then I took the BEST BUBBLE BATH EVER in the biggest most awesome tub ever! It was long enough for me! It was super deep. It had jets on the sides AND the bottom. And I watched the new Nicole Kidman Netflix series on my iPad while I lounged in the hot bath for like 2.5hrs. It was glorious.

Eventually I had to run a couple of errands because I needed some cold medicine and a couple of odds and ends. I also needed a phone charger because apparently I did my homework on the plug I’d need for Ireland but forgot to look up the plug I’d need for Amsterdam. So I left that adapter at home and didn’t have a way to plug in here.

At the grocery store there was a cat hanging out. So I gave her some lovin’. As soon as I’m up to it, one of my first stops will be a cat cafe. Seeing a cat just chilling in the grocery store was a highlight for me.

Then I came home and did more Uber Eats for dinner. A poke bowl! It was incredible!

I gave myself a whole week here because I knew I’d be worn out at this point and would need rest. So I’m ok with staying in all day. However I am concerned about this cold I’m getting and I could use all of your prayers and good vibes. Please and thank you.

I’ll leave you with a few thoughts about what I’ve experienced here so far:

1 - bikers are AGGRESSIVE. This city has more bikes than you could ever imagine and not only do they have the right of way with the cars (as they should), but they seem to think they have the right of way over pedestrians too (and I don’t think they should), and it’s a little scary. Like, I’m being cautious, not walking in their bike lane, looking both ways, and not stepping out in front of them—but there are literally dozens in one intersection coming from every possible direction nonstop very quickly around all these corners and it’s a bit overwhelming. I applaud the cities commitment to being green. I do fear for my life though

2 - the police sirens here bother me a lot. Every time I hear them my heart drops because it makes me think of Nazis and all the movies where you hear those exact sirens and know they are coming. Especially Anne Frank. My Airbnb is very close to the Anne Frank house and I’m feeling a very heavy and dark energy here that I was not expecting. It overcame me as soon as I got in the city and has lingered this whole time. I’m staying open to having a positive experience here. But I can’t ignore the alignment I felt in Ireland and the stark contrast I feel here. Many little things are going wrong and feeling “off” and all are adding up to a feeling of uneasiness. Since I was very much expecting the opposite, this is an unwelcome surprise for me.

3 - (this one was about the wheelchair porter and I already talked about that above so I am not going to copy and paste that part since it is redundant)

Yeah, I haven’t been here long, I haven’t seen much, I haven’t done much, but the immediate vibes, and my continued vibes, have been heavy and cold. I’m keeping an open mind and hopeful things can get more positive going forward.

It’s funny because the first TikTok that popped up for me today was an immigrant from Turkey who is living in The Netherlands and talking about how cold and isolating living here feels. That there’s no sense of community and people are not accepting of outsiders. Then a ton of comments from ppl stating they’ve had the exact same experience. People here, according to them, are very insular, not friendly and are super self-sufficient to the point of not being willing to be helpful to others. They don’t feel you can ask friends or community for help, and everything is centered around the individual.

What’s weird is that I immediately got that vibe and kept trying to shake it off. Then I saw that video and was like, okay, that’s the energy I’m feeling. That’s the airport asking me to walk even though I requested a wheelchair. And a few other little things I’ve encountered thus far.

So far the nicest and most helpful person is my Airbnb host, and she’s from New Zealand!

Ok, if you read that far, I don’t have any questions but I thank you for letting me vent. Again, I’m keeping an open mind and positive outlook. I hope this is just a blip. But I feel it’s important to share the reality of the situation as it currently is, and I’m very open to that changing.

In the meantime, I’d be most appreciative if any comments could refrain from “toxic positivity” (Google definition- “Toxic positivity happens when people believe that negative thoughts about anything should be avoided. Even in response to events which normally would evoke sadness, such as loss or hardships, positivity is encouraged as a means to cope, but tends to overlook and dismiss true expression.”) It never makes the person going through a hard time feel better. I’m going through a hard time. I will continue to fight through and make the best of it. I’m open to sympathy, support, and love. And I’m respectfully requesting no gaslighting or “toxic positivity” about the shitty couple of days I’m having. Trust me, I’m already finding the things I’m grateful for: the opportunity to be here, having extra time built in to rest, a really kind Airbnb host, an amazing bath, good food being delivered, and a cute grocery store cat.

Ok! Better luck tomorrow!

PS- if you have a disability I’m sharing this to give you validation and to let you know it’s ok to have hard days where you need to rest on your trips.

Unfortunately, my request to please refrain from toxic-ly positive comments was not observed by everyone. Some people said some things that I didn’t find very helpful on this particular day, and the days to come. Most people did honor my request, and I truly appreciated that. And, as much as I wanted the other comments to not get to me, they did. Because the rest of the trip mostly sucked, and some people couldn’t just let me have that experience and feel the way I felt.

I wish it didn’t bother me so much when people do that. I try really hard, but it is a huge pet peeve of mine. That, and when people make petty passive aggressive comments about affording a trip like this. These are usually the same people that spend 3x as much on Disney vacations every year and have never actually looked into the reality of what a trip to Europe on a budget could look like, and how feasible it could be for them.

I think I have gotten better at not letting this stuff get to me as much as I used to, but I still feel like I have a long way to go. I try to tell myself that the people commenting with the toxic positivity are only doing so because they care about me and want me to have a good time. They feel bad that I am not, and they haven’t learned how to sit in discomfort and allow themselves and others to have the shitty experience they are having. And I try to tell myself that the people making passive aggressive comments are not my problem, and I owe no explanations. But both of these scenarios are never very successful when I am sick and super worn out. My defenses are completely down.

Because while I am able to do these trips on a budget, they still do cost money. So to be in bed sick for several days of a trip to another country actually really sucks. And I think it is nice to allow people to feel like that sucks without telling them otherwise. And while I don’t think it is great to only ever complain on social media, I also don’t think it is great to only ever pretend like everything is perfect on there either. I shared in such great detail how amazing Ireland was. I shared so much positivity with that. Why can’t people handle me being honest that Amsterdam was the opposite of that for me, and I was understandably disappointed?

Here was my FB post the next day, when I was stuck in bed sick again. Which honestly was a pretty upbeat post considering my first 2.5 days in Amsterdam were spent in bed not feeling well and being sick:

9/25 - Another sick day. I’m fairly confident it’s just a cold/allergies. I stayed in again to rest and hopefully kick it today. Really hoping tomorrow is better and that I can actually get out and about in Amsterdam.

Took another warm bath with jets, Netflix on my iPad, and a little snack of caviar with crème fraîche and pringles. And clotted cream and lemon curd with some sort of sweet danish bun thingy that I don’t know what it is but couldn’t find a scone at the grocery store yesterday so tried this instead. It was good enough.

Otherwise I stuck to a lot of fruits, vegetables, fish, and lots of water and tea today. But a bath with caviar lifted my spirits a little.

Wish me luck for tomorrow and the rest of this trip please. Nighty night!

So, Monday 9/23 was the shitty airport and taxi day. I arrived at Airbnb late afternoon and spent all of the rest of that day in bed. Tuesday 9/24 and Wednesday 9/25 were sick days where I stayed in all day. By Thursday 9/26 I was itching to get out because it was one of 4 full days left on the trip, as I would be flying out early on Monday 9/30—so that day didn’t allow for anything. I still did not feel great Thursday, so I stayed in bed all day, and went out in the evening. Here is my FB post from that day:

9/26 - Don’t let the lewk fool you, I still feel like crap. But today I felt a little less like crap than the past three days, so I managed to get out for a bit.

My phone is really struggling to give me the information I need to get from place to place here. This is the only solo travel I’ve done where I’ve struggled this much to figure out how to get where I’m going because Google Maps just isn’t handling it.

The flea market I was really excited about and trying to go to today was closed when I got there even though it was supposed to be open for another hour.

Found a nice comfortable restaurant to sit at for a while and it was pleasant to sit outside and people watch. I enjoyed that part of the evening. It was relaxing. Except when a guy walked by and tried to steal the tip I was leaving for the waiter. However, I did not allow that to happen

Went and did the number one thing on my list: saw a live sex show!

It was about what I expected. Can’t say I’ll go to another one, but I like trying weird/taboo things once, so I’m glad I at least went once in my life. I will say it wasn’t too creepy and the outlook about that sort of thing around here is a lot more comfortable than in good ole’ puritanical America.

However, the vibe of the red light district was much more commercial, cheesy, and “trashy bachelorette party” vibe than what I was hoping for. I was hoping for more of an old timey, boudoir, gritty vibe. I knew it would be touristy. But it felt like I was walking through a neon Frederick’s of Hollywood/Lion’s Den. I was hoping it would feel like I was walking through a bohemian cabaret.

Found a lobby cat. Gave him so lovin. Saw some cats sleeping in bars. That was lovely. Gonna try to make it to the cat sanctuary tomorrow (it wasn’t open today). The only thing I’m vibing with here are the cats!

Amsterdam still not passing the vibe check for me. The energy just isn’t aligned with mine. And I’m not a fan of the architecture and the look of everything I’ve seen either. It’s mostly brown and gray and boxy and kinda modern and boring (save for a couple of buildings). I’m not taking a whole lot of pictures because I don’t find most of it cute.

I do enjoy the houseboats in the canals. It would be pretty cool to live in a floating house on a canal.

Hopefully I didn’t over do it today and I can go see cats tomorrow, hang out and write in some cafes, explore less touristy places, shop in vintage stores, and meet the love of my life***!!

***jkjk. Just wanted to mess with ya and make you laugh.

PS - my Airbnb host is very friendly and helpful, but she keeps telling me every time she has to poop that she’s going poop

Once again, I think this was a fairly benign and somewhat upbeat post considering I still felt awful, managed to get out and the place I was going closed early, a pick pocket tried to steal my money off my table that I was sitting at, and that I did not at all enjoy the red light district. I still included things I did like, and tried to keep it light while staying true to my authentic feelings about what I thought of this place.

However, after this day, I was so annoyed by a few of the comments I was receiving on the posts. Again, I know most of them were well-meaning, and probably no one realized they were getting on my nerves. Heck, some of the comments probably wouldn’t have bothered me at all if I wasn’t annoyed with some of the more annoying ones and feeling like shit. But, because I was getting pissed, everything was grating on my nerves at this point. That’s a “me” problem that I can’t seem to work out.

One of my favorite things to do on these overseas trips has always been to spend the end of my day in bed creating a diary post of the day. Because when I do it right before bed, that is usually around the time peeps back in America are getting off work. Then I get lots of comments and get to engage with people in a fun way about the day before I go to bed. It is usually a positive experience for me. However, in this one particular instance, that just wasn’t the case.

Not only was I having a shit time here and feeling like shit, but I was also getting annoyed that some people weren’t allowing me to express that. And I was getting annoyed that it was annoying me so much. And I was upset that it was making things worse.

In the past, I would have kept pushing forward and doing the posts every day anyways because it is my tradition and I hate to break tradition. I am mildly OCD, and heavy on the “O” in OCD according to a previous therapist. So, it was not easy to come to this decision, as small as it may seem, but I evaluated how these comments were making me feel and decided it wasn’t worth it. I would break tradition. I would not do my daily travel log posts. Because the cons of people getting on my nerves were worse than the cons of giving up my tradition. It wasn’t bringing me joy. So I didn’t need to do it. Plus, I knew I would come back and hash it out more fully here on the blog.

Again, I know pretty much everyone meant well. And I know I have a responsibility in how much I let people get to me. And I can’t tell people what to do or how to be. However, I also think the general population could stand to do some mindfulness work in the area of sitting in discomfort and allowing others to be in their discomfort and acknowledging that it is ok to have negative feelings when you are in a negative situation. Dwelling is one thing. But suppressing isn’t ok either. I wish people could stop trying to suppress other people’s perfectly healthy emotions because they have not learned how to be comfortable with them. But, yeah, I know I can’t force people to do this.

So, I skipped 3 days of posting, and did a photo dump on 9/29 with no travel log:

9/29

My last few days in Amsterdam.

Just gonna do a photo dump this time and no travel log. I’m not currently feeling open to sharing my personal thoughts on how I’ve experienced my time here.

Leaving tomorrow. Looking forward to being home and seeing my mom and my cat.

Well, now that I am back and have had plenty of time to shake it off, I will fill you in on the deets of those last few days in Amsterdam!

All along I had planned on trying to go to the Anne Frank house. While I typically don’t like going to tourist sites, museums, and historical places—there are always a couple of exceptions for me. The Anne Frank house was one of them. However, my big issue is that with my chronic illness, I never know how I am going to feel from day to day, especially when traveling. It makes planning ahead and firmly committing to future dates kinda tricky. Obviously I did so with this trip. And I do with other things. But in those circumstances, I set aside A LOT of time before and after to rest. I can’t do that on a trip because I am only there a short amount of time and the travel to get there is especially hard on me.

Therefore, I didn’t want to book tickets to anything in Amsterdam too far in advance, because I knew there was a high likelihood I would be pretty worn out at this point after all the travel and the whole week in Ireland before this. I mean, heck, I even had to miss some pretty important stuff in Ireland. I didn’t want to buy a ticket to AF house 6 weeks before the trip when they were posted and then end up having to miss it.

However, the issue was that this tickets sell out immediately. So it was impossible to buy a ticket for it a couple of days before. I went back and forth with myself about just being ok with missing it. But I ultimately decided it was important to me. So, I decided to find their customer service email and explain my situation and see if there was any possibility of buying one last minute ticket for any of the days I had left.

This was also a similar set up with the cat sanctuary I wanted to go to. The cat sanctuary was on a houseboat on a canal, and they had 3 days a week that they were open to the public for a limited number of people to come and snuggle with the cats. They were only open for 2 hours each of the 3 days they were open, so there was a very small window to get there. Reservations were highly encouraged, but you could try your luck at getting in line the day of and hopefully getting a chance to go in.

So, I sent them the same email I sent AF house and explained my sitch and hoped for the best. And wouldn’t ya know it? Both of them got back to me with a reserved spot. So, that is one way that I finally had some decent luck on this trip.

I went to the Anne Frank house first, and as with any other tourist spot, it was completely crowded and crawling with tourists. I get it, I am a tourist too. But, I just don’t like the lines and noisy crowds at such somber and sacred places.

I joined my place in line and as luck would have it, I ended up behind 6 people who I am convinced got wasted before they came. They were loudly laughing (yes LAUGHING) through the ENTIRE house. Everything struck them as funny, and while I was trying to pay my respect to the Anne Frank house, they were finding it all hilarious. On top of that, they kept touching things that said “Do not touch” and laughing uproariously about it.

At this point, I assume that you have an assumption about where they were from and how old they were. And I am guessing your assumption was not that they were British and in their 60’s. But, they were. I know, I was just as shocked as you.

I was so completely disgusted by them that I ended up leaving my spot in line and moving back far enough that I wouldn’t have to hear them anymore. The people in line understood and were equally disgusted with these people. I was able to spend the rest of my time there in peace, but it was hard to shake how upsetting these people were. This is just one of the MANY reasons I hate to do touristy things. Between this and watching a man push an old woman over rushing to get a seat before her at The Sistine Chapel just really makes me not want to be in places that tourists are in, ya know?

After this experience, I stopped for lunch at a restaurant where I ate about 4 bites of the most disgusting food I have ever eaten, and then went on my way. I would say Amsterdam, overall, had the absolute worst food I have ever had on any trip I have been on. Here and there I ate some things that were decent, but nothing had me raving. And the things I ate that were just “fine” were all cuisines from other countries. I tried local cuisine. It was gross.

This particular day was like most of my days there—cold, raining, and windy one moment, and then 5 minutes later (seriously no exaggeration—I legit mean 5 mins) it would be sunny and too warm for my raincoat. This continued most of the day. So, my 20 minute walk to the cat boat was not the best.

I arrived at the cat boat and thank God for my reservation because there was a long line and they weren’t letting anyone else in who didn’t have a reservation. I must say, this was the perfect follow-up to how sad the AF house was. Walking onto a houseboat full of cats and just petting them and loving on them for 30 mins was just what the doctor ordered.

The only problem I had here is that when I was talking to a Dutch lady about Thomas, I showed her his picture and she fat shamed him in a mean way. The nail in the coffin of why I know I would never be able to live in this stupid place where these bitches fat shame my dearly departed angel baby of a cat.

The rest of my trip isn’t even worth going into details about. I took a completely underwhelming and lackluster nighttime canal tour. We couldn’t even see anything because it was raining and so we were in a covered boat that was really hard to see out of because the lights were on and it was dark out. Plus the tour guide was pretty lame and the tour information was mostly pretty lame, too. It was funny to hear about how many bikes fall in the canals every year (around 15k). But other than that, I was unimpressed.

The weather continued to be gross. The people continued to keep to themselves. The food continued to underwhelm. And I continued to just be totally out of sync and not vibing here at all.

I think on paper it might make more sense why this would be a good place for me:

• Everyone is really tall

• They adore cats and cats are happily hanging out everywhere

• They are very self-sufficient and independent

• They keep to themselves

• They are sex positive

But in practice it just wasn’t:

• It’s cool to be a tall person around so many tall people, so that wasn’t bad. But, it’s not enough

• The cat thing is pretty great, too. But, also not enough

• I do love being self-sufficient and independent. But right now, with my chronic illness—I’m not. And to be in a place where people don’t understand why you need help with that, really sucked.

• I also do like the anonymity of a city. But it was just too stark of a contrast going from Ireland to here. From just how freaking friendly people in Ireland were to how “stuck up” they seemed here. Maybe they aren’t. But that was just the vibe I felt (and what a lot of outsiders who live there say on TikTok). It’s one thing to not have small talk in a grocery store and with everyone you pass on the street. But in bars and restaurants, when no one will talk to you—not even the staff. Maybe a past version of me liked that, but not the current me. I have never encountered a vibe that felt this cold in all of the other places I visited.

• The red light district didn’t feel as sex positive to me as I was hoping for. I’m sure there are other places that aren’t so touristy that are better and more sex positive. But I didn’t see them or hear about them.

Amsterdam feels like a place that I would have really enjoyed and had a good time in when I was in my 20’s. I’m not sure why I think that, but I just do. However, in my 40’s, I’m over it and I’ve seen a lot of cooler places. I guess I just missed the (house) boat…

My astrocartography research was so wrong. I hate to say it. I still don’t know what place in this world I was meant for, or where I will feel like I fit in. Pretty sure I am a starseed from another planet that just doesn’t understand it here. But, I will keep trying to figure out what is meant for me.

That’s it for Amsterdam. Below is my final FB post of that trip, and the one TikTok I made from the Amsterdam portion of the trip. Hopefully that helps this whiney post end on a higher note.

***THE ONE TIKTOK I MADE ABOUT MY TIME IN AMSTERDAM***

OCT 3 - On the final leg of my trip, and definitely worse for the wear. In my Chicago hotel and leaving soon to fly to Williamson County.

I’m not gonna lie, this travel was incredibly hard on me and really tricky to do with a chronic illness. But I’m so grateful for the trip and so thankful I got to do it.

Last night was pretty rough with the fatigue and many other symptoms after so much moving around. I’m definitely ready to be home. I’m definitely welcoming the week or so of bed rest this will require. And I’m proud of myself for taking things slow and being ok with missing out on stuff in order to prioritize my health.

I decided it was better to do this and miss out on some of the things I wanted to do than to not do any of it at all. And that assessment was correct.

Thanks for going on the journey with me.

***It took me SOOOOOO long to put this post together—worked on it several times over several days—that I do not feel like going back and re-reading it and making edits. So, if you see something that doesn’t make any sense, feel free to leave a comment and I will go back and fix it later. Thx!***